DISA'S JOURNAL

Monday, July 06, 2009
Love me, or leave me alone.

I just had a summer love that was overrated; only it lasted longer, but still ended when it turned colder. Like how a summer love works, we're back in our own worlds, just like we never knew each other. Hugs & kisses are left behind, and I hope my heart will follow me soon.

This is (hopefully) my last pathetic post.

So it's the (real) end.

Yes. Everything was ended last night. I had reached my limit and I couldn't stand it anymore, when I read the e-mail telling me that he had made his decision, when I called him and he said he couldn't love me like he used to 'cos he still loved her, when my heart fell into pieces realizing that it might have been the real reason why we broke up, when I thought about how stupid I was to stay beside him even afterwards, when I realized that I had been the only one who kept fighting and the only one who always tried that hard for the relationship to last, and he didn't care at all.

I told him not to make any contact with me. No phone calls, no text messages, no e-mails. For the sake of my mental health.

And I don't know what's gonna happen with me if the worst happens.

So you've made your decision.
Good luck with your past (oh thank God I'm not Pinocchio), and take good care of yourself.

But yes, if it happens, I'm so gonna be really mad, 'cos you said you wanted to be alone. Eat that.

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Saturday, July 04, 2009
Sorry, I can't stop. Not yet.

Okay, I'm getting mad.

I'm not an angel, who comes down from heaven to help desperate, broken-hearted people and then leaves.
I'm not an altruist, who helps you recover from your so-called crisis without hoping at least a little respect to my feelings.
I'm not a doll, that you can hug and play whenever you feel like it and leave under your bed when you're getting bored.

Is a little care even too much to ask?

At least let me out. Just in case you forgot, I'm still under your bed and I'm stuck.

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Tuesday, June 30, 2009
STOP.

Entah kenapa barusan tiba-tiba gue kesel sendiri baca blog gue.

Apa banget sih gue nulis beginian mulu?

I'll stop, people. I promise.

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To: Myself.

FACT #1 : You've been DUMPED.

FACT #2 : He has definitely realized that he's just not that into you. At least not anymore. Remember; If he doesn't call, it means he doesn't want to call.

FACT #3 : He's safe, he's busy, he doesn't need you there. He doesn't even want you there. So what are you worrying about? HE'S DOING F-I-N-E, FINE.

FACT #4 : Even if time, shopping, cigarettes, beer, friends, or music don't heal the wounds.. There must be something that does. And it WILL, someday, somehow.

FACT #5 : He doesn't care about you. At least not anymore.

FACT #6 : Sorry, my dear, but life's not a fairy tale. A sweet, unforgettable beginning doesn't guarantee you tickets to a perfect end. Welcome to the real world!

So, for God's sake,
WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?

Get up and move on!!

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Best Friends.

Sometimes the ones you call 'best friends' don't have to be human.

Sometimes they simply come in the form of ciggies, music, and the wind.

And rooftop is the best place to tell them the story of your broken heart.

Anyway, I'm in the mood for moving on.

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Monday, June 29, 2009
Pembunuhan di Kelas Psikometri

STRIKE I

..hasil tes dapat dipengaruhi oleh perubahan mood, emosi, loneliness, dan lain-lain.

Bu Dewi Matindas (BDM) : Iya coba kamu jawab *nunjuk Tachie*
Tachie : Jadi misalnya contohnya yang tadi itu bu, loneliness. Disa maaf ya. Jadi..

BDM : Lho kenapa kamu minta maaf sama dia? Emang dia lonely banget ya?

*satu kelas tertawa*

Gue : Iya Tach, KENAPA HARUS MINTA MAAF SAMA GUE?

STRIKE II

..pilih tiga jenis validitas untuk alat ukur yang mengukur konstruk agresivitas.

BDM : Ini kalian milih-milih udah ngerti belum nih?
Semua : Hehehehe.
BDM : Lho gimana sih? Belum ngerti kok udah milih aja. Belum yakin kok udah ngambil keputusan.

Silmy, Dithi, Mhia, Tachi, Gue : Tuh dengeeer *hawa-hawa curcol muncul*
BDM : Iya dong. Kalau belum yakin ya jangan ngambil keputusan. Sama aja kaya jodoh kan?

*tertawa*

BDM : Lho iya kan? Kalau belum yakin jangan terlalu cepat ngambil keputusan. Orang belum kenal baik, tinggalnya jauh.. Bisa bahaya buat masa depan.

Disa : MAKASIH LHO BU! (dalam hati tentunya).

STRIKE III

..bagaimana hipotesis untuk konsistensi internal?

BDM : Iya coba kamu jawab.
Gue : Saya bu?

BDM : Iya kamu, aduh saya tuh gak inget deh nama-namanya, kamu nih, si Miss Lonely..

*semua orang terbahak-bahak*

ASTAGA BU DEWI. Tau aja buu belum kenal baik, tinggalnya jauh, terus sekarang eke lonely. Jangan-jangan ibu juga tau saya baru diputusin. Bunuh aja saya sekalian.

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Sunday, June 28, 2009
Today,

I hope you're getting healthy,
I hope you're feeling happy,
I hope you're doing your thesis seriously,

and I hope..
I hope you still got enough space there to miss me.

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Friday, June 26, 2009
I'm Losing My Ability to Write Funny Posts. This is Pathetic.

I miss our random chats through the small YM box, the hug & kiss emoticons, the huge smilies. I miss those conversations when you were still in love, the sweet sentences you were saying and how you always wanted me to turn my webcam on so you could see me. I miss January and February with all the ups and downs, February and March with all the heat and flames. I miss the hugs, I miss the kisses on my forehead and my lips. That's all we got, isn't it? The rest had been you trapped in your time capsule and me being too naive, then now it's you with your own world and me missing you. Up until this moment.

Jag alskar dig.

..and maybe I shouldn't have asked you to choose and made you end everything.

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Monday, June 22, 2009
Is he worth the fight?

Seringnya gue berbagi cerita seputar kehidupan percintaan, baik milik sendiri maupun milik orang lain (baca: curhat dan gosip) dengan orang-orang di sekitar sering membuat gue berpikir tentang berbagai macam hal berkaitan dengan cinta-cintaan ini.

Beberapa bulan terakhir, cerita-cerita yang muncul entah kenapa hampir semuanya intinya sama. Cerita gue, cerita beberapa teman gue, atau cerita yang cuma lewat aja yang cuma gue tau dari status Twitter atau Plurk.

Yaitu tentang mempertahankan hubungan.

Dan itu membuat gue berpikir:

Bagaimana cara kita tau apakah seseorang pantas untuk dipertahankan, diperjuangkan, atau ditunggu?

Kenapa kita memutuskan untuk mempertahankan, memperjuangkan, atau menunggu?

Dan sampai kapan?

Ada banyak cerita di sekitar gue. Ada yang masih menunggu. Ada yang sedang berjuang. Ada yang berusaha mempertahankan. Ada yang akhirnya melepas. Ada yang menemukan yang lebih baik dan sadar dia sudah mengambil keputusan yang tepat.

But how do you know?
How do you make your choice?

Gue juga gak tau.

Gue juga gak tau dari mana gue harus melihat dan memastikan kenapa dia harus gue perjuangkan.
Atau dari mana gue yakin gue memang segitu sayangnya sama orang ini.

Apakah karena dia membuat gue tertawa, nyaman, dan merasakan apa yang belum pernah gue rasakan;
atau karena dia membuat gue merasa dihargai, disayang, dan dibutuhkan;
atau karena dia membuat gue berharap dan membayangkan jauh ke depan sehingga gue gak rela membuang bayangan dan harapan gue itu?

Apakah karena setelah menyakiti gue, dia tetap bisa membuat gue merasa nyaman;
atau karena gue tetap yakin dia orang baik;
atau karena gue tetap yakin dia akan kembali mencari gue suatu saat nanti?

Apakah karena dia membuat gue gak bisa tidur sebelum hp gue bunyi dan dia menyapa gue;
atau karena dia membuat gue menghabiskan batang-batang Marlboro Menthol pertama yang gue beli sendiri;
atau karena dia yang membuat gue menghabiskan paling banyak jatah airmata gue?

How do you know when enough is enough?
and how do you know when there will never be enough 'cos he really is worth the fight?

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